To understand where I'm coming from in this post, I want you to first read this blog post from Let's Queer Things Up.
I..... Holy shit. This is so true it hurts a little.
Totally fits with my pattern of shitty exes. The first one left me so desperate for approval that I let the second one treat me like garbage so I could make it up to him (because he always made me feel like his anger was my fault) and then repeat the cycle. I hid so much unhappiness in both of those relationships because I wanted the people around me to think that I was happy. Confessing my unhappiness to the people who loved me would make them sad, and I didn't want to make them sad, so I kept it to myself.
Boundaries? What are those?
The summer I was 16 I kissed my boyfriend for the first time. The teenage hormones and the excitement led from gentle kisses to heavy making out. At the time, I was waiting to have sex until I was married. We played around at second base a lot, and I always enjoyed it in the moment, but I was riddled with confusion afterwards. I knew I needed to tell him that I wasn't sure I was comfortable with it and that I definitely didn't want to go any further - to make my boundaries clear - but I was terrified. I was too young and naive to fully understand why I was afraid to talk to him - he was nowhere near abusive, and I'm sure the worst he'd have done would have been breaking up with me if he really wanted to go further - but I see now that I was fawning. That conversation might have made him unhappy, so I simply didn't talk about it. Instead, I avoided him for the rest of the summer until my best friend finally told me that breaking up with him was the right thing to do, both for myself and for him. I'm still kind of sorry that I let it end that way.
The next time I knew that I needed to set boundaries for myself, I wasn't sure where I needed them to be, and I told him exactly that. Simply saying "I need boundaries but I don't know what they are right now, so please be patient with me while I figure them out" was fucking HUGE for me. But didn't give me the space I needed, and I let things happen on his terms anyway because it didn't make sense to me to stir the pot by saying "I shouldn't be texting you several times a day every day, and I'm not comfortable with you starting a conversation with 'hey sexy'" when I liked him so much.
When he asked me to be his girlfriend (via text message), I knew I was not ready to say yes. It wasn't that I wanted to date other people or "keep my options open" - I simply was not emotionally ready to be in a committed relationship. But I couldn't imagine telling him that, especially not via text message. So I fawned and said yes. This ended up setting the stage for seven months of doing whatever it took to keep him happy. He'd get mad at me over some bullshit, we'd fight via text message, I'd dwell on it and plan what I had to say to his face to make it okay, I'd go over there, and he'd initiate passionate sex before I could say a word. Did I ever ask him to stop so we could talk first? Absolutely not. That would upset him. I liked the sex, and I liked him seeming so passionate, and I liked not having difficult conversations. So I let it keep happening until it broke me.
There is one difference between me and Sam Dylan Finch: I don't back away from my healthy relationships. I do tend to vent to a selection of them, as the Sam said is common among fawners. I was venting to my best friend of over ten years when I realized that I had to break up with my then-boyfriend. My best friend burst into angry tears and shouted "Kate he doesn't treat you right." All I could do in the moment was also burst into tears, hug her, and tell her how lucky I was to have a friend like her. I have always been grateful to have her as a friend. I am eternally grateful that her reaction to whatever garbage I was telling her about made me see how right she was and decide to stop taking the garbage from him, even if it meant breaking up with him.
But there was a tiny part of me, the fawning people-pleaser, that was ashamed that I'd made her cry. She had her own struggles and her own garbage to deal with - how dare I worry her so with my problems? That's not something that I've ever dwelled on or continued to feel guilty about, but it was definitely there in the bottom of my gut and it illustrates the amount a people-pleaser will suppress in order to avoid making others unhappy.
I'm not really sure where this stems from. The original author suggests that a chaotic and/or abusive childhood often leads to fawning, but I grew up very, very far from abuse. Yes, my parents argued, and I suppose it's possible that when I told myself "I'm never going to get a divorce" I unconsciously made the decision to let myself be bendable, to make myself cave in order to keep the peace. It'd probably take a therapist to confirm that theory or to uncover anything else that breeds fawning tendencies.
I've got a happy ending - well, not ending because I'm not dead and don't plan to be for quite some time - so a happy next chapter, if you will. I actually took time to sort myself out between romantic relationships. I got confident enough in myself that, when I dated someone who was pretty in to me but the feeling wasn't mutual, I didn't make myself believe that I owed him a relationship. I let myself be an individual instead of a mirror, and I broke it off with him.
Shortly before that, I was hooking up with someone who I knew to be 100% wrong for me. I didn't fawn to please him, didn't tell myself that it was okay to be with a pessimist, didn't decide to settle for him just because he was there and showing a spark of interest. The second I saw that spark fade, I stopped trying to initiate anything and I let the fling flicker out into nothingness.
And now? I have an amazing boyfriend. One who has never once made me feel like I had to mold myself to meet his needs - we have always naturally been a great fit. And all those red flags for abusive relationships that I see on social media - the lists of behaviors that each of my serious exes line up with oh so well - are completely unrelatable for him. Any time I'm unnecessarily emotional (from my own internal logical perspective), rather than ignore me or tell me I'm being silly or to stop crying or any other emotionally abusive bullshit, he'll ask what I need to feel better right now. My response is usually just for him to hold me for a while, and he is perfectly happy to do so. (He's usually already holding me when he asks, and we just snuggle in and get more comfortable.) Conflict between us is nearly nonexistent. Not because I deny my own boundaries, wants, or needs, but because most of those things align for us - or because he is willing to work with me to find a compromise when they don't.
I am going to make efforts to keep an eye out for fawning behaviors now that I have a word for them. At work, with friends, with family, and with my boyfriend, just to make sure I don't fall back into old habits. Caving to other people and putting myself at the bottom of my list is so 2017 Kate. 2018 Kate started getting over that shit, and 2019 Kate is going to continue to work even harder at making sure 2020 Kate and beyond makes her boundaries and needs clear to others - even if those boundaries and desires aren't what the people around me might like best. 🍓💙
Saturday, October 5, 2019
Thursday, October 3, 2019
Ode to Medicaid
I want to take some time to talk about how much I appreciate Michigan's Medicaid program as it currently stands in 2019.
This isn't a tragic story filled with needs for life-saving care and nights laying awake worried about how I was going to afford my life-saving medication. I am thankful everyday that I do not have any conditions that require daily medicine or emergency backups.
This is simply a story of an average healthy person, struggling to find full-time employment, who wanted to make sure she was functionally healthy while she was struggling financially.
As a woman, I see my gynecologist every year to make sure that my breasts are lump-free and that my ovaries and uterus are cyst-free. The timing worked out so that I didn't need a pap smear while I was on Medicaid, but I do stay up to date with that exam as well.
I also visited my gynecologist for a full STD panel (vaginal swab + blood work) between sexual partners to make sure I wasn't putting the next person at risk.
Again, I visited my gynecologist to talk about issues with excessive bleeding - we're talking 40+ days straight of menstruation. The result is my business but it was definitely necessary to seek medical treatment on that one.
I went to the dentist to have my teeth cleaned for the first time in over nine years. As a new patient, I also got a full set of X-rays. Four small holes were discovered in my teeth, so they were filled in.
When I had a random episode of vertigo that was so bad I could barely walk across the hall to the bathroom, I went (having gotten a ride) to urgent care. Thankfully it was just fluid trapped in my ears after a cold, so I bought some antihistamines.
I got my flu shot and thankfully avoided catching the flu - a bigger challenge for someone working retail during the holidays.
I also got the Hepatitis B vaccine when there was an outbreak traced back to a restaurant I'd dined at and thankfully avoided catching that disease, too.
When I had a cough lingering for a whole week after getting over a cold, I went to urgent care to ensure that it wasn't something more serious. I was prescribed a nasal spray and an antihistamine - which Medicaid thankfully covered, since even store brands can be $20 or more, and my $10/hour, 16-hour work weeks left me with very little emergency money.
When that cough lasted a full month even with the nasal spray and antihistamines, I finally sought out a GP. (I hadn't had a regular doctor or an annual physical since I outgrew my pediatrician.) She gave me the peace of mind that my cough was allergy-related triggered by the cold I'd caught, prescribed me a cough suppressant, and also sent me to the lab for bloodwork to see if I was anemic (related to the excessive menstruation, not the cough).
When a bug bite turned dark purple and red, and had lines of bruise color streaming down towards my ankle, I rushed to urgent care to have it looked at. Thankfully it wasn't a tick bite or Lyme disease, but a simple infection. I was prescribed both an antibiotic pill and a cream to treat it.
When frequent headaches and eye fatigue started to set in, I got an eye exam to see if my prescription had changed. It had, and I would have gotten a new pair of glasses completely covered, except that my exam ended up taking place on the last day of Medicaid coverage before my insurance from my new full-time job started up.
100% of these services and prescriptions were 100% covered for me. The situations I've laid out took place across almost two years of me being underemployed and underpaid, and thanks to Medicaid, I never had to worry about how I was going to afford any of these office visits or prescriptions.
I guess I have a few main points here:
1) Medicaid is actually good health coverage and I am eternally grateful to the state for supporting me when I was down.
2) Please do not talk down to or about people who are on Medicaid. Many of them are people like me - people who are trying desperately to find full-time employment with health benefits, but for reasons that are personal to them have been unsuccessful. (Bear in mind, too, that some of these people are working 40 or more hours per week, but spread across 2 or more jobs.)
3) Please do not vote Medicaid away. I can't imagine what I would have done without the coverage that I had in the last 2 years. Don't do that to people who rely on the system for support.
4) Please don't make the "I don't want MY tax dollars supporting ____!" complaint when it comes to Medicaid. I mean, I hate that argument in general, but when you're talking about the health and the lives of your fellow statesmen, it's just incomprehensible to me that anyone would complain about contributing 2.9% of their salary for that. That's less than three cents per dollar. For every $100 you make, you're contributing only $2.90 towards the people you share a state with to have health insurance. Please be a compassionate enough person to be okay with that tax.
This isn't a tragic story filled with needs for life-saving care and nights laying awake worried about how I was going to afford my life-saving medication. I am thankful everyday that I do not have any conditions that require daily medicine or emergency backups.
This is simply a story of an average healthy person, struggling to find full-time employment, who wanted to make sure she was functionally healthy while she was struggling financially.
As a woman, I see my gynecologist every year to make sure that my breasts are lump-free and that my ovaries and uterus are cyst-free. The timing worked out so that I didn't need a pap smear while I was on Medicaid, but I do stay up to date with that exam as well.
I also visited my gynecologist for a full STD panel (vaginal swab + blood work) between sexual partners to make sure I wasn't putting the next person at risk.
Again, I visited my gynecologist to talk about issues with excessive bleeding - we're talking 40+ days straight of menstruation. The result is my business but it was definitely necessary to seek medical treatment on that one.
I went to the dentist to have my teeth cleaned for the first time in over nine years. As a new patient, I also got a full set of X-rays. Four small holes were discovered in my teeth, so they were filled in.
When I had a random episode of vertigo that was so bad I could barely walk across the hall to the bathroom, I went (having gotten a ride) to urgent care. Thankfully it was just fluid trapped in my ears after a cold, so I bought some antihistamines.
I got my flu shot and thankfully avoided catching the flu - a bigger challenge for someone working retail during the holidays.
I also got the Hepatitis B vaccine when there was an outbreak traced back to a restaurant I'd dined at and thankfully avoided catching that disease, too.
When I had a cough lingering for a whole week after getting over a cold, I went to urgent care to ensure that it wasn't something more serious. I was prescribed a nasal spray and an antihistamine - which Medicaid thankfully covered, since even store brands can be $20 or more, and my $10/hour, 16-hour work weeks left me with very little emergency money.
When that cough lasted a full month even with the nasal spray and antihistamines, I finally sought out a GP. (I hadn't had a regular doctor or an annual physical since I outgrew my pediatrician.) She gave me the peace of mind that my cough was allergy-related triggered by the cold I'd caught, prescribed me a cough suppressant, and also sent me to the lab for bloodwork to see if I was anemic (related to the excessive menstruation, not the cough).
When a bug bite turned dark purple and red, and had lines of bruise color streaming down towards my ankle, I rushed to urgent care to have it looked at. Thankfully it wasn't a tick bite or Lyme disease, but a simple infection. I was prescribed both an antibiotic pill and a cream to treat it.
When frequent headaches and eye fatigue started to set in, I got an eye exam to see if my prescription had changed. It had, and I would have gotten a new pair of glasses completely covered, except that my exam ended up taking place on the last day of Medicaid coverage before my insurance from my new full-time job started up.
100% of these services and prescriptions were 100% covered for me. The situations I've laid out took place across almost two years of me being underemployed and underpaid, and thanks to Medicaid, I never had to worry about how I was going to afford any of these office visits or prescriptions.
I guess I have a few main points here:
1) Medicaid is actually good health coverage and I am eternally grateful to the state for supporting me when I was down.
2) Please do not talk down to or about people who are on Medicaid. Many of them are people like me - people who are trying desperately to find full-time employment with health benefits, but for reasons that are personal to them have been unsuccessful. (Bear in mind, too, that some of these people are working 40 or more hours per week, but spread across 2 or more jobs.)
3) Please do not vote Medicaid away. I can't imagine what I would have done without the coverage that I had in the last 2 years. Don't do that to people who rely on the system for support.
4) Please don't make the "I don't want MY tax dollars supporting ____!" complaint when it comes to Medicaid. I mean, I hate that argument in general, but when you're talking about the health and the lives of your fellow statesmen, it's just incomprehensible to me that anyone would complain about contributing 2.9% of their salary for that. That's less than three cents per dollar. For every $100 you make, you're contributing only $2.90 towards the people you share a state with to have health insurance. Please be a compassionate enough person to be okay with that tax.
Wednesday, March 21, 2018
A collection of facts fresh from another damn breakup
Here are some basic facts.
The last time I went to sleep secure in my knowledge of a future with Derek Wang was a Tuesday.
On Wednesday, I found evidence of his infidelity and I went to sleep scared and confused.
On Thursday, I confronted him about it and I slept uneasily, knowing it was over.
On Friday, I succumbed to the uncertainty of a future without him and I figured out a way I could be okay with staying with him. He seemed to agree to my terms.
But by the end of the following week (or thereabouts), he'd changed his mind, and it was over.
The last time I went to sleep secure in the prospect of a future with Derek James was a Tuesday.
On Wednesday, he picked yet another fight via text message and I went to sleep scared and confused.
On Thursday, I broke down into tears after my workout because I knew that I had to protect myself by letting him go.
We didn't speak for two days.
By Sunday evening, he was angry and throwing out all kinds of accusations about me that were completely untrue.
Another basic fact:
I didn't ever feel physically unwell from anxiety when I was with Wang. I certainly felt that way when I found out about his cheating, when he cut me off financially, when his family stole from me, and whenever I had to speak with him after all of it. That period of time lasted approximately three weeks. There was a brief repetition of the uneasy feeling when I sold the couch that had been ours, and when I met with a background check agent on his behalf.
I felt physically unwell from anxiety, on and off, for the last two months of my relationship with Derek. The thought of losing him scared me so much that I felt unwell. Trying to figure out why he was mad at me, what I could do or say (or not do or not say) to make it all better, made my heart race and my breathing difficult.
Six and a half years of being with Wang, and I only felt physically unwell for roughly three weeks after I knew it was over. Seven months of being with Derek, and I felt physically unwell throughout two months before things ended. But then? after they did end? A weight off my chest. It felt literal. My breathing became less labored because the anxiety lifted.
Of course, if we're being factual, it wasn't immediate and permanent. The first week post-breakup was hard as hell.
Let's look at why.
I kept asking myself, Why does this hurt so bad after only seven months, when two of those months were bad?
I finally figured out why:
Before breaking up with Wang, I thought - I knew - that we had a future together. We were talking about buying a house in the next year; about getting a domestic partnership before my birthday so I could jump onto his health insurance; about getting married after that, when it made financial sense to throw the wedding that I wanted. There was no period of not knowing if it was going to work out, of questioning our future together. I could see it and I wanted it.
Then, in the blink of an eye, it was gone.
And before I could get used to the idea of being alone, before I could look forward to a future with myself, before the dust had even settled, along came Derek. And he was wonderful. He knew the pain I was going through, having been cheated on before (I later learned that his girlfriend cheated on him when he was 18, they'd only been together for a few weeks; sorry, sweetie, but you absolutely didn't know the depth of the loss I experienced); he was kind; he made me laugh; he gave me something to look forward to.
Probably too much to look forward to.
I latched on to the possibility of a future with him so quickly. Too quickly. I was blinded by the excitement. "If I learned anything in my last relationship, it's that time is meaningless in a relationship. There are no minimum or maximum time limits in love. There's no magic number of months or years that suddenly mean you're ready for the next level. So... why deny it?" I actually wrote that in my journal in December. We had been dating for just over four months at this point. And we were already thinking about moving in together. Just a week later, I would experience a moment of "clarity" in which I knew I was going to marry him.
I haven't really told anyone about that. The context no longer matters - suffice it to say that just shy of five months together, I thought to myself "that's it, I'm gonna marry him."
FIVE. MONTHS.
The problem here, I can now see, is that everything happened way too quickly. Before the dust from my last relationship could settle and before I could feel content in romantic solitude, someone wanted me. Someone who made me feel like I was ready to date again.
So that's why it hurt so much when it ended. I was experiencing not just the pain of losing Derek, but of knowing that I was still without a life partner. That after everything I'd been through, everything he promised himself to be, I still didn't get to look forward to a future with someone.
I'm not trying to be dramatic here - I still have confidence that I will find someone who will be a good fit for me, and that I will grow old with him. But, I'm acknowledging that for now, that person isn't visible. That person is not in my life yet, and so for now, I have no promise of permanent companionship.
Let me tell you what, realizing that hurts like hell. It makes you queasy, it kills your appetite, it makes you tired, it makes you want to do nothing but sleep because sleep is a reprieve from feeling or thinking.
It's slowly getting better. Some day, the pain and the anxiety will be a distant memory and I'll be able to say, "the way things ended was really bad and I hated feeling that way, but all in all, I'm glad it ended. I'm much better off without him."
After all, I already feel that way about my relationship with Wang.
The last time I went to sleep secure in my knowledge of a future with Derek Wang was a Tuesday.
On Wednesday, I found evidence of his infidelity and I went to sleep scared and confused.
On Thursday, I confronted him about it and I slept uneasily, knowing it was over.
On Friday, I succumbed to the uncertainty of a future without him and I figured out a way I could be okay with staying with him. He seemed to agree to my terms.
But by the end of the following week (or thereabouts), he'd changed his mind, and it was over.
* * *
The last time I went to sleep secure in the prospect of a future with Derek James was a Tuesday.
On Wednesday, he picked yet another fight via text message and I went to sleep scared and confused.
On Thursday, I broke down into tears after my workout because I knew that I had to protect myself by letting him go.
We didn't speak for two days.
By Sunday evening, he was angry and throwing out all kinds of accusations about me that were completely untrue.
Another basic fact:
I didn't ever feel physically unwell from anxiety when I was with Wang. I certainly felt that way when I found out about his cheating, when he cut me off financially, when his family stole from me, and whenever I had to speak with him after all of it. That period of time lasted approximately three weeks. There was a brief repetition of the uneasy feeling when I sold the couch that had been ours, and when I met with a background check agent on his behalf.
I felt physically unwell from anxiety, on and off, for the last two months of my relationship with Derek. The thought of losing him scared me so much that I felt unwell. Trying to figure out why he was mad at me, what I could do or say (or not do or not say) to make it all better, made my heart race and my breathing difficult.
Six and a half years of being with Wang, and I only felt physically unwell for roughly three weeks after I knew it was over. Seven months of being with Derek, and I felt physically unwell throughout two months before things ended. But then? after they did end? A weight off my chest. It felt literal. My breathing became less labored because the anxiety lifted.
Of course, if we're being factual, it wasn't immediate and permanent. The first week post-breakup was hard as hell.
Let's look at why.
I kept asking myself, Why does this hurt so bad after only seven months, when two of those months were bad?
I finally figured out why:
Before breaking up with Wang, I thought - I knew - that we had a future together. We were talking about buying a house in the next year; about getting a domestic partnership before my birthday so I could jump onto his health insurance; about getting married after that, when it made financial sense to throw the wedding that I wanted. There was no period of not knowing if it was going to work out, of questioning our future together. I could see it and I wanted it.
Then, in the blink of an eye, it was gone.
And before I could get used to the idea of being alone, before I could look forward to a future with myself, before the dust had even settled, along came Derek. And he was wonderful. He knew the pain I was going through, having been cheated on before (I later learned that his girlfriend cheated on him when he was 18, they'd only been together for a few weeks; sorry, sweetie, but you absolutely didn't know the depth of the loss I experienced); he was kind; he made me laugh; he gave me something to look forward to.
Probably too much to look forward to.
I latched on to the possibility of a future with him so quickly. Too quickly. I was blinded by the excitement. "If I learned anything in my last relationship, it's that time is meaningless in a relationship. There are no minimum or maximum time limits in love. There's no magic number of months or years that suddenly mean you're ready for the next level. So... why deny it?" I actually wrote that in my journal in December. We had been dating for just over four months at this point. And we were already thinking about moving in together. Just a week later, I would experience a moment of "clarity" in which I knew I was going to marry him.
I haven't really told anyone about that. The context no longer matters - suffice it to say that just shy of five months together, I thought to myself "that's it, I'm gonna marry him."
FIVE. MONTHS.
The problem here, I can now see, is that everything happened way too quickly. Before the dust from my last relationship could settle and before I could feel content in romantic solitude, someone wanted me. Someone who made me feel like I was ready to date again.
So that's why it hurt so much when it ended. I was experiencing not just the pain of losing Derek, but of knowing that I was still without a life partner. That after everything I'd been through, everything he promised himself to be, I still didn't get to look forward to a future with someone.
I'm not trying to be dramatic here - I still have confidence that I will find someone who will be a good fit for me, and that I will grow old with him. But, I'm acknowledging that for now, that person isn't visible. That person is not in my life yet, and so for now, I have no promise of permanent companionship.
Let me tell you what, realizing that hurts like hell. It makes you queasy, it kills your appetite, it makes you tired, it makes you want to do nothing but sleep because sleep is a reprieve from feeling or thinking.
It's slowly getting better. Some day, the pain and the anxiety will be a distant memory and I'll be able to say, "the way things ended was really bad and I hated feeling that way, but all in all, I'm glad it ended. I'm much better off without him."
After all, I already feel that way about my relationship with Wang.
Saturday, May 13, 2017
A jumble of thoughts fresh from a breakup
Anyone reading this probably at least knows that derek and I have broken up because he cheated on me for the better part of a year.
When I first found out (because he left his e-mail account open, not because he had the courage to tell me), I felt like my entire world was crashing down around me while the rug was being pulled out from under my feet. I was so scared to lose him that I decided to stay with him provided that he seek counseling and we attend couples counseling. That old cliche of "I've invested so much of my life into this relationship, I'm not going to let it go this easily." Because you're supposed to fight for love, right? I wasn't going to go down without a fight.
But after two days, derek decided that that was too much work, that there's no point in trying again because "the unhappiness that led to his cheating would probably come back again eventually" (oh yeah guys, he cheated because I didn't keep him sexually satisfied, so it was my fault in his eyes). He insisted that I was only staying with him for the financial security. The best line he gave me was "we need to make sure that we can be happy on our own before we can be happy together." Translation: "I'm too much of a coward to break up with you outright so I'll pretend like I maybe want you back eventually."
Yeah, no.
Once I got over the initial shock of everything that happened, I had a very, very important realization:
I honestly don't miss him all that much.
Oh sure, I miss the companionship, I miss having a warm body to snuggle against at night (it's been unseasonably cold this week), I missed having a body to snuggle when I had a nightmare the other day, I miss being pretty sure that I'll be debt-free by 30, and it's weird not having someone to talk to about every TV show that I watch (I started a lot of them because he was in to them).
But you know what?
I can find any of that with someone else. Maybe not the debt-free part, because I don't expect anyone to be willing to pay 100% of the rent until my loans are paid off, but that's okay.
Him breaking up with me (it really should have been me breaking up with him) has opened my eyes to what an underperforming boyfriend he really was. Every time I asked him for a simple date night (like, to the place literally 3/4 of a mile away from our apartment for a quick dinner not in front of the TV) he would grumble. I planned this awesome staycation for us last summer and he was a total asshole about leaving the apartment the entire long weekend. Every weekend was a lazy weekend. As in, if I asked him to go walk the 2 blocks to pick up dinner from the deli, he'd ask why I couldn't do it. The only time he ever helped me cook dinner was if I burned myself and couldn't finish the recipe by myself due to pain. My family came to visit, I had to practically beg him to come out with us and spend quality time with these people who he saw once a year max. His family came to visit, and I ended up spending an entire day alone with his mother while he played video games at home. We went to Jamaica for our friend's wedding and he stayed cooped up in the hotel when we all went snorkeling FOR FREE because "I've been snorkeling before, I don't feel like doing it again." ON AN ALL-EXPENSE PAID WEDDING PARTY TRIP TO JAMAICA. On the rare occasion that he did leave the apartment with me, I felt like I had to coddle him the whole time to make sure he was enjoying himself. Yeah, that made it fun for me.
Okay I'm rambling now. The point is that after I moved down to Maryland to be with him, he stopped putting any effort into our relationship and for nearly four years I pretended like that didn't bother me. Or I denied that it did. Either way, now that I'm out of that relationship, my eyes are wide open to how unhappy I was.
When I was 18 and just so broken-hearted over the fact that my high school boyfriend wouldn't talk to me anymore, my therapist asked me this question:
"Why would you want to be friends with someone who treats you that way?"
Her voice echoed in my head almost as soon as I found out that derek had cut me off (which was while I was at lunch with my coworkers - yet another cowardly move on his part). I knew it as soon as she asked me that when I was 18, and I knew it again a few weeks ago: I don't want to be with someone who treats me that way. Not as a friend and definitely not as a romantic partner.
It's a difficult question to answer sometimes, and it was definitely difficult when I thought about the future that I had to say goodbye to. We'd been talking about getting a domestic partnership before November so that I could hop on to his health insurance when I turn 26, and we were talking about buying a house in the next year.
I was watching Frasier the other day - a show that I often turn to when I'm sad - and at the end of the very first episode, one of his callers is still feeling like a mess months after a breakup. Frasier told her that she's not mourning the loss of the relationship, but the loss of the future that she thought she had. Yet another light switch flicked on in my head. That's exactly it. I already don't miss him - it's hard to miss someone who barely paid attention to your relationship. And I'm actually already starting to be excited for my new future thanks to the love and support from my friends and family who have all promised to welcome me back to Michigan. Honestly, maybe it had become about the promise of financial security, even if I didn't quite realize it at the time.
It's like if you lived for 4 years in a really shitty climate, and you'd tried to forget that nicer climates exist, and any time you saw any little reminder of a better climate you were like "yeah but this region is totally perfect for me, I don't need better weather to feel better" but then one day you get strapped into a giant slingshot by force, and you get thrown into a WAY nicer climate and after you brush yourself off and figure out your new surroundings you're like "holy shit. This climate is PERFECT for me! How could I have ever been happy living under those conditions? I'm never going back to that region even for a brief visit!"
So I actually kind of hope that one day, maybe months from now, derek will come crawling back to me so that I can laugh in his face. He knows how hard it is for me to deny someone another chance to stay in my life - he literally had to hold my hand while I blocked an ex best friend on Facebook when we were in college - and I hope he'll think that he'd get a second chance if I have enough time to miss him. I want to smile as I tell him that I don't miss him. He selfishly told me that he doesn't know if he'll ever be able to move on from me (which is stupid because he already had, at least sexually), and I want the opportunity to show him that I have moved on from him.
When I first found out (because he left his e-mail account open, not because he had the courage to tell me), I felt like my entire world was crashing down around me while the rug was being pulled out from under my feet. I was so scared to lose him that I decided to stay with him provided that he seek counseling and we attend couples counseling. That old cliche of "I've invested so much of my life into this relationship, I'm not going to let it go this easily." Because you're supposed to fight for love, right? I wasn't going to go down without a fight.
But after two days, derek decided that that was too much work, that there's no point in trying again because "the unhappiness that led to his cheating would probably come back again eventually" (oh yeah guys, he cheated because I didn't keep him sexually satisfied, so it was my fault in his eyes). He insisted that I was only staying with him for the financial security. The best line he gave me was "we need to make sure that we can be happy on our own before we can be happy together." Translation: "I'm too much of a coward to break up with you outright so I'll pretend like I maybe want you back eventually."
Yeah, no.
Once I got over the initial shock of everything that happened, I had a very, very important realization:
I honestly don't miss him all that much.
Oh sure, I miss the companionship, I miss having a warm body to snuggle against at night (it's been unseasonably cold this week), I missed having a body to snuggle when I had a nightmare the other day, I miss being pretty sure that I'll be debt-free by 30, and it's weird not having someone to talk to about every TV show that I watch (I started a lot of them because he was in to them).
But you know what?
I can find any of that with someone else. Maybe not the debt-free part, because I don't expect anyone to be willing to pay 100% of the rent until my loans are paid off, but that's okay.
Him breaking up with me (it really should have been me breaking up with him) has opened my eyes to what an underperforming boyfriend he really was. Every time I asked him for a simple date night (like, to the place literally 3/4 of a mile away from our apartment for a quick dinner not in front of the TV) he would grumble. I planned this awesome staycation for us last summer and he was a total asshole about leaving the apartment the entire long weekend. Every weekend was a lazy weekend. As in, if I asked him to go walk the 2 blocks to pick up dinner from the deli, he'd ask why I couldn't do it. The only time he ever helped me cook dinner was if I burned myself and couldn't finish the recipe by myself due to pain. My family came to visit, I had to practically beg him to come out with us and spend quality time with these people who he saw once a year max. His family came to visit, and I ended up spending an entire day alone with his mother while he played video games at home. We went to Jamaica for our friend's wedding and he stayed cooped up in the hotel when we all went snorkeling FOR FREE because "I've been snorkeling before, I don't feel like doing it again." ON AN ALL-EXPENSE PAID WEDDING PARTY TRIP TO JAMAICA. On the rare occasion that he did leave the apartment with me, I felt like I had to coddle him the whole time to make sure he was enjoying himself. Yeah, that made it fun for me.
Okay I'm rambling now. The point is that after I moved down to Maryland to be with him, he stopped putting any effort into our relationship and for nearly four years I pretended like that didn't bother me. Or I denied that it did. Either way, now that I'm out of that relationship, my eyes are wide open to how unhappy I was.
When I was 18 and just so broken-hearted over the fact that my high school boyfriend wouldn't talk to me anymore, my therapist asked me this question:
"Why would you want to be friends with someone who treats you that way?"
Her voice echoed in my head almost as soon as I found out that derek had cut me off (which was while I was at lunch with my coworkers - yet another cowardly move on his part). I knew it as soon as she asked me that when I was 18, and I knew it again a few weeks ago: I don't want to be with someone who treats me that way. Not as a friend and definitely not as a romantic partner.
It's a difficult question to answer sometimes, and it was definitely difficult when I thought about the future that I had to say goodbye to. We'd been talking about getting a domestic partnership before November so that I could hop on to his health insurance when I turn 26, and we were talking about buying a house in the next year.
I was watching Frasier the other day - a show that I often turn to when I'm sad - and at the end of the very first episode, one of his callers is still feeling like a mess months after a breakup. Frasier told her that she's not mourning the loss of the relationship, but the loss of the future that she thought she had. Yet another light switch flicked on in my head. That's exactly it. I already don't miss him - it's hard to miss someone who barely paid attention to your relationship. And I'm actually already starting to be excited for my new future thanks to the love and support from my friends and family who have all promised to welcome me back to Michigan. Honestly, maybe it had become about the promise of financial security, even if I didn't quite realize it at the time.
It's like if you lived for 4 years in a really shitty climate, and you'd tried to forget that nicer climates exist, and any time you saw any little reminder of a better climate you were like "yeah but this region is totally perfect for me, I don't need better weather to feel better" but then one day you get strapped into a giant slingshot by force, and you get thrown into a WAY nicer climate and after you brush yourself off and figure out your new surroundings you're like "holy shit. This climate is PERFECT for me! How could I have ever been happy living under those conditions? I'm never going back to that region even for a brief visit!"
So I actually kind of hope that one day, maybe months from now, derek will come crawling back to me so that I can laugh in his face. He knows how hard it is for me to deny someone another chance to stay in my life - he literally had to hold my hand while I blocked an ex best friend on Facebook when we were in college - and I hope he'll think that he'd get a second chance if I have enough time to miss him. I want to smile as I tell him that I don't miss him. He selfishly told me that he doesn't know if he'll ever be able to move on from me (which is stupid because he already had, at least sexually), and I want the opportunity to show him that I have moved on from him.
Sunday, March 5, 2017
A comprehensive list of the awesomeness that is coconut oil
I know I'm not the first person to discover how great coconut oil is, but really, WOW, it is awesome. Here's a list of all the things I use it for:
- Cooking - especially baking, waffles, and sweeter meals (such as this sausage with grapes dish that I like, or pork chops with apples, that kinda thing)
Acne - I have adult acne pretty badly. Last summer, I wouldn't have been surprised if everyone I met thought I was 15 years old because it was raging so badly. But if I slather some coconut oil onto my clean face about an hour before bed, then gently blot it off right before I hit the pillow, my acne is much less red, angry, and swollen throughout the next day.- 2020 update: DO NOT, under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, put coconut oil on your face. Coconut oil is highly comedogenic, which means it clogs your pores. Which means that back in 2017, I was making my acne worse by slathering coconut oil all over it. My acne was honestly always red, swollen, and angry back then. I think I was imagining things when I thought coconut oil was helping me. At least I smelled good though?
- Chafing - my thighs rub together when I walk. Sometimes I forget to rub deodorant between them, and sometimes I sweat the deodorant away but have to keep walking. Which of course leads to chafing. Coconut oil on my chafed thighs soothes it wonderfully and I'm pretty sure it helped it to heal faster.
- Shaving/waxing wounds - A few months ago, I cut myself while shaving my armpits. Since I couldn't wear deodorant over the open wound for a few days, I chafed badly which also kinda made the wound worse. Coconut oil served to sooth the chafing, prevent it from getting worse, AND help heal the wound.
- More recently, I've started waxing my armpits. Coconut oil is great for soothing my pits immediately after waxing, and after a few days when my baby hairs grow back and get kinda sensitive.
- I also dab a little bit onto my eyebrows after I tweeze them. The swelling goes down quickly and it helps prevent ingrown hairs!
- I imagine it would be a really good way to prevent razor burn, too. I haven't ever used it after shaving unless I cut myself, so I'm not positive. But probably!
- Nails&cuticles - my cuticles barely dried out this winter. Also, I had damaged nails from too many peel-off base coats in a row; a few days of naked nails in the winter with lots of coconut oil and the damage seemed to disappear. I highly recommend it for after scrubbing off a glitter polish!
- Burns - so, I haven't used it immediately after burning myself, so I don't know if it soothes the initial pain. But the day after my most recent burn experience, when I had tender blisters that didn't ache constantly, coconut oil was wonderful for keeping the skin moisturized and happy.
- Hair - I use it as a hair mask BEFORE showering every now and then. It's WAY too oily for me to use it after a shower the way I use argon oil, which I learned via trial and error. As in, "let's try it! Ohh, that was a mistake, now I need half a can of dry shampoo because I don't have time to wash it right now."
Saturday, January 14, 2017
Freshman year of college: the time I quite almost killed myself over a final project
I've told this story to many people in the past - staying up for nearly 3 days straight to work on a final project that I'd badly procrastinated. But due to the lack of sleep at the time, and the years that have passed since, I tend to get the details wrong when I retell the story. Lo and behold, I wrote about it the day after it all happened! I've decided to type it up for all to read. Friends who are parents, please feel free to use this as educational material as your kids grow up and start thinking it's okay to pull all-nighters for school. I've added some annotation for clarification in pink.
Freshman year of college
Right before finals week
Oh my god. This week was so hard. I procrastinated my art history project WAY too much, like holy butt. [yes, it actually says holy butt.] After TV night with Steph on Monday, I tried to stay up all night to work on the story. I fell asleep around 4:30, woke up at 10ish. [I likely still made it to my 10:20 German class, because skipping class is bad m'kay?] Okay, that's kind of enough sleep. Tuesday I got off work shortly after 1 (am, I worked the closing shift in the caf, so technically this was Wednesday morning) and continued working on the story. I watched the sun rise (so pretty!) and fell asleep around 7:30 or 8... Woke up at 10:30. Got breakfast at Hubbard and decided to have some coffee. with lots of cream & sugar. Went to IAH (my afternoon class), then to CVS for some Vitamin Water and an energy drink because I knew I'd be up all night again. By the time I went to lunch at Akers I was pretty hyper, so I had another cup of coffee. [a completely logical decision.] Then, despite how pretty it was outside, I sat inside and drew. And drew. And drew. I think I ate dinner in there somewhere. Around 1 or maybe 2 (am, mind you) I chugged down most of a can of Amp before realizing that 1 can = 2 servings. then I started going insane...
I started posting random stuff on Facebook. I worked right through sunrise and around 7:45 decided it was time for breakfast. took a shower. got back to work. Realized that my heart was beating too quickly and I sometimes felt out of breath just sitting there drawing. By this time, my writer's callous and right arm were getting sore, but I still had lots of work to do. So I kept on working until 12:30, when I had to go to bio. I was pretty freaking out because holy crap, I still had 2 drawings to do and I had to attach the book and shit I had like an hour after bio to do it. I was so tired, too. I started falling asleep and I'm pretty sure I hallucinated a little. I thought a picture of a rain cloud was moving and raining, and that a bunny was breathing and twitching its head. [the prof never used animations in his slides, only still images.] Then I thought I saw... I don't know, water or something spurting out of the wall. After class I picked up some food from Sparty's and went back to my dorm. Then I really started freaking out. I was straight up out of breath but just sitting there, and even though I knew I had everything under control I started crying. I was like "no, you're wrong. Everything is fine. Stop being illogical." but I kept crying anyway. [I'm pretty confident that this is the first and only panic attack I have ever experienced.] So I ate my food and watched my favorite videos on YouTube and felt better. I finished up one of the empty pages, attached everything, and went to class where I threw up a poopless poop angel (complete with confused flies) onto the blank page. Turned the little SOB in and mostly fell asleep through class. By this time I was basically a zombie. But the sun had come back out after clouds leading up to like a 5 minute rain, and I had the story off my damn chest, so I was feeling a little better.
I happily turned in the books I'd used [for the research] and then bought some new earphones at the International Center. I called Ben and YAY, he's coming to MSU on Saturday! <3 When I got home I did some German homework and went to bed. At 7:45. Then I woke up at 8:55... today. Oh my god. I wish I could sleep that deeply and blissfully every night. So yeah, I would rate this experience about a 10 on the crazy scale. Never, ever, ever drinking coffee again. Or procrastinating so horribly. Ever. I am so sorry for what I did to my body. [closing about how my hand was cramping and I wanted to go outside]
And just for the record: my body still can't handle caffeine. I don't know if I would always have been caffeine-sensitive, or if I broke the receptors in my brain that week or something. But if I drink anything stronger than a black tea (or two black teas in a row), I get very shaky and breathing gets uncomfortable. I don't get the energy boost and then I crash hard and pretty much can't function unless I take a nap.
* * *
30 April, 2010Freshman year of college
Right before finals week
Oh my god. This week was so hard. I procrastinated my art history project WAY too much, like holy butt. [yes, it actually says holy butt.] After TV night with Steph on Monday, I tried to stay up all night to work on the story. I fell asleep around 4:30, woke up at 10ish. [I likely still made it to my 10:20 German class, because skipping class is bad m'kay?] Okay, that's kind of enough sleep. Tuesday I got off work shortly after 1 (am, I worked the closing shift in the caf, so technically this was Wednesday morning) and continued working on the story. I watched the sun rise (so pretty!) and fell asleep around 7:30 or 8... Woke up at 10:30. Got breakfast at Hubbard and decided to have some coffee. with lots of cream & sugar. Went to IAH (my afternoon class), then to CVS for some Vitamin Water and an energy drink because I knew I'd be up all night again. By the time I went to lunch at Akers I was pretty hyper, so I had another cup of coffee. [a completely logical decision.] Then, despite how pretty it was outside, I sat inside and drew. And drew. And drew. I think I ate dinner in there somewhere. Around 1 or maybe 2 (am, mind you) I chugged down most of a can of Amp before realizing that 1 can = 2 servings. then I started going insane...
I started posting random stuff on Facebook. I worked right through sunrise and around 7:45 decided it was time for breakfast. took a shower. got back to work. Realized that my heart was beating too quickly and I sometimes felt out of breath just sitting there drawing. By this time, my writer's callous and right arm were getting sore, but I still had lots of work to do. So I kept on working until 12:30, when I had to go to bio. I was pretty freaking out because holy crap, I still had 2 drawings to do and I had to attach the book and shit I had like an hour after bio to do it. I was so tired, too. I started falling asleep and I'm pretty sure I hallucinated a little. I thought a picture of a rain cloud was moving and raining, and that a bunny was breathing and twitching its head. [the prof never used animations in his slides, only still images.] Then I thought I saw... I don't know, water or something spurting out of the wall. After class I picked up some food from Sparty's and went back to my dorm. Then I really started freaking out. I was straight up out of breath but just sitting there, and even though I knew I had everything under control I started crying. I was like "no, you're wrong. Everything is fine. Stop being illogical." but I kept crying anyway. [I'm pretty confident that this is the first and only panic attack I have ever experienced.] So I ate my food and watched my favorite videos on YouTube and felt better. I finished up one of the empty pages, attached everything, and went to class where I threw up a poopless poop angel (complete with confused flies) onto the blank page. Turned the little SOB in and mostly fell asleep through class. By this time I was basically a zombie. But the sun had come back out after clouds leading up to like a 5 minute rain, and I had the story off my damn chest, so I was feeling a little better.
I happily turned in the books I'd used [for the research] and then bought some new earphones at the International Center. I called Ben and YAY, he's coming to MSU on Saturday! <3 When I got home I did some German homework and went to bed. At 7:45. Then I woke up at 8:55... today. Oh my god. I wish I could sleep that deeply and blissfully every night. So yeah, I would rate this experience about a 10 on the crazy scale. Never, ever, ever drinking coffee again. Or procrastinating so horribly. Ever. I am so sorry for what I did to my body. [closing about how my hand was cramping and I wanted to go outside]
* * *
I'd like to point out that I would have had an extra two hours to work on the project and probably not have a panic attack had I decided to skip bio the day the project was due. But nooo, I had to be in class!!!!! Compare this to my senior year when I was like "I'm behind on work in Lisa's class, so I'm going to skip Lisa's class today and work on the projects." I certainly did change a lot in a few semesters.And just for the record: my body still can't handle caffeine. I don't know if I would always have been caffeine-sensitive, or if I broke the receptors in my brain that week or something. But if I drink anything stronger than a black tea (or two black teas in a row), I get very shaky and breathing gets uncomfortable. I don't get the energy boost and then I crash hard and pretty much can't function unless I take a nap.
Sunday, January 1, 2017
2016 Reading Challenge: Summary!
Well, 2016 has come and gone and I have to admit: I didn't complete the challenge. But I'm not upset about it, and I don't feel down on myself, and I'm not gonna let it keep me from reading in 2017 out of some lame "well if I couldn't do it LAST year..." excuse.
Honestly, the main reason I failed to complete the challenge is because I read several books that didn't count towards the challenge!
I did kind of stop choosing to read while at home, letting games and my nails and crocheting get in the way of that again, but I always read for about an hour a day on the Metro! Actually, that's not entirely true - I also listened to one and almost a half audio books. I never thought I would have the attention span for audio books, but as it turns out, they're great for a Metro commute - I can let my sleepy pre- and post-work eyes rest and still make progress in the book!
So if we're counting audio books (and I definitely think we should), I did manage to check off one more book from the challenge: a book recommended by a friend. When I asked my coworker for an audio book recommendation (I explained to her that the only one I'd ever listened to before was Harry Potter, so I was used to an incredible narrator), she suggested Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, by Douglas Adams, narrated by Stephen Fry. Oh. my. gosh. It was an incredible experience listening to that narration! Stephen Fry did different voices for different characters, which is the #1 thing I need in an audio book so I can tell who the heck is talking. And his voices were so. funny. The book constantly had me laughing out loud on the Metro - I'm sure I got some funny looks! The rest of the series (which I now definitely want to listen to) is narrated by none other than Martin Freeman. (Is he knighted? cuz I kinda want to call him Sir Martin Freeman.) I could tell while listening to the book that Martin was absolutely perfect for playing the role of Arthur Dent in the movie (which I did see, but don't really remember; I do remember that it wasn't received terribly well by fans of the book). So for him to narrate the rest of the book series is just so exciting!
Okay, so, let's go over the list one last time:
BOOKS FOR THE CHALLENGE
So, even though I only got 10/12 on the challenge (which is still a passing grade, hey!), I definitely enjoyed it! I'm so glad I made the effort to read more in 2016. I will be sure to stay in the habit for 2017! Perhaps I'll challenge myself to read one book more than I did this year. :)
Honestly, the main reason I failed to complete the challenge is because I read several books that didn't count towards the challenge!
I did kind of stop choosing to read while at home, letting games and my nails and crocheting get in the way of that again, but I always read for about an hour a day on the Metro! Actually, that's not entirely true - I also listened to one and almost a half audio books. I never thought I would have the attention span for audio books, but as it turns out, they're great for a Metro commute - I can let my sleepy pre- and post-work eyes rest and still make progress in the book!
So if we're counting audio books (and I definitely think we should), I did manage to check off one more book from the challenge: a book recommended by a friend. When I asked my coworker for an audio book recommendation (I explained to her that the only one I'd ever listened to before was Harry Potter, so I was used to an incredible narrator), she suggested Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, by Douglas Adams, narrated by Stephen Fry. Oh. my. gosh. It was an incredible experience listening to that narration! Stephen Fry did different voices for different characters, which is the #1 thing I need in an audio book so I can tell who the heck is talking. And his voices were so. funny. The book constantly had me laughing out loud on the Metro - I'm sure I got some funny looks! The rest of the series (which I now definitely want to listen to) is narrated by none other than Martin Freeman. (Is he knighted? cuz I kinda want to call him Sir Martin Freeman.) I could tell while listening to the book that Martin was absolutely perfect for playing the role of Arthur Dent in the movie (which I did see, but don't really remember; I do remember that it wasn't received terribly well by fans of the book). So for him to narrate the rest of the book series is just so exciting!
Okay, so, let's go over the list one last time:
BOOKS FOR THE CHALLENGE
- A book published this year: Harry Potter and the Cursed Child, JK Rowling 💖
- A book you can finish in a day: The Strange Library, Haruki Murakami 👍
- A book you've been meaning to read: Not Quite the Classics, Colin Mochrie 💖
- A book you should have read in school: Slaughterhouse Five, Kurt Vonnegut 💖
- A book chosen for you by your spouse etc: Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Douglas Adams 💖
- A book published before you were born: Journey to the Center of the Earth, Jules Verne 👍
- A book that was banned at some point: Lolita, Vladimir Nabokov 👎
- A book you own but have never read: Haunting Experiences: Encounters with the Otherworldly, Michelle Belanger 👌
- A book that intimidates you: Lord of the Rings: the Fellowship of the Ring, JRR Tolkein 👎
- A book you've already read at least once: The Book Thief, Markus Zusak 💖
- A book recommended by your local librarian or bookseller: skipped because I never got around to seeking recommendations (partly because I don't know them personally and I'm chicken to introduce myself)
- A book you previously abandoned: skipped because I have only ever abandoned books that bored me senseless, and I didn't want to hate the book I was reading
- Bee Season, Maya Goldberg 👍
- Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell, Susanna Clarke (audio book - not finished because the narrator was pretty boring and did NOT distinguish between character voices) 👌
- Magic Kingdom for Sale, Terry Brooks 👍
- The Black Unicorn, Terry Brooks (got about 1/3 through before the year ended) 👍
So, even though I only got 10/12 on the challenge (which is still a passing grade, hey!), I definitely enjoyed it! I'm so glad I made the effort to read more in 2016. I will be sure to stay in the habit for 2017! Perhaps I'll challenge myself to read one book more than I did this year. :)
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